worth living for

My dear friend Keira always reminds me that life is filled with duality. It's a reminder that I frequently need, a lesson I have to remind myself of again and again. That life isn't always black and white, as we're so prone to think. Terrible things can happen on the best of days, and in the midst of what feels like the world falling apart, a blessing can drop into our laps.

When it's easy to take a season as being all good or all bad, I hear her reminder echoing in the back of my mind. That really, it's all a juggling act, a dance of staying afloat through it all.

As I was reading this year's statement from TWLOHA - To Write Love on Her Arms - her words were the first to pop into my mind. 

TWLOHA is an incredible nonprofit that works to give hope to people struggling with depression, addiction, self-harm, and suicide, while helping them to invest in treatment and recovery. My friend Elissa first brought them to my attention in September of 2017 to join in their "Stay" campaign for National Suicide Prevention Month, and each September since, I've gone back to see what their theme of the year is and how I can be a part of it.

This year, TWLOHA's theme is "Worth Living For", based on a poem that I'm going to link here. In describing how they went about choosing the theme for the year, Jamie, the founder of TWLOHA, said, "I believe what [the poet] is saying is that life doesn’t have to be perfect to be good. And nearly everything is better when it’s shared. Victory and defeat and coffee—good, bad, and in-between."

If 2020 has taught us anything, it's that life is never and will never be perfect. I don't know a single person who hasn't walked through pain over the course of the last eight and a half months. It's been a year of blows and losses, and I know that I can't be the only one who's gone to bed at night wondering what it's all for.

Pain causes us to block out everything except for our pain. It's a survival mechanism - we're sensing a threat, so all of our strength and energy goes to fighting that threat. When suffering hits - whether that's circumstantial pain or the kind of depression that runs deep - we forget the duality. We're unable to see anything in front of us but the glaring white pain, and when you're experiencing that level of hurt, all you want is out.

Friend, if no one has told you this today, let me be the first - your life matters more than you know.

Read that again.

Your life matters. You matter. You, with all of your flaws and baggage and scars. You matter. And even when it feels as though you can't see three feet in front of you and it hurts to move, this life is so worth the living.

Today - September 10th - is National Suicide Prevention Day. And I know that I'm no therapist - I'm just a twenty year old girl who cares a lot. But what I also know is that when pain takes over and makes you forget what you know to be true, sometimes you need a tangible reminder to grab on to. 

So in honor of today and all that it represents, and of TWLOHA's theme this year, I made a list of 75 things that are worth living for. A few of them are specific to me, but most of them are written with you in mind. I made this list because when things get messy and hard, I want you to have something that you can hold, something that can remind you of why you need to stay. 

1. Sunshine.
2. Family.
3. People who have become family.
4. The butterflies of anticipation right before something you've been waiting for.
5.  The cat that lives down the street and rubs your legs when you go for a walk.
6. The air at the ocean.
7. The lady who smiled when you let her go in front of you at the grocery store.
8. Stamps with cartoon characters on them.
9. The kid three years younger than you who looked up to you in school.
10. Dreams + plans of meeting all of my blogging friends.
11. The trip you're saving to go on.
12. The bonus episode of your favorite show that you don't know is coming out.
13. Christmas lights.
14. Dogs that get excited when they see you.
15. The book that you reread every year.

16. Sitting backstage and hearing the audience laughing and talking and settling in moments before the curtain opens for then first time.

17. Your favorite song.

18. Sunrises and sunsets.

19. The stuffed animal you've had since you were three.

20. Talks with Keira.

21. Brand new notebooks.

22. The black and white photographs that hang above my bed.

23. Conversations sitting in parked cars.

24. Cheesecake.

25. Driving + listening to my favorite podcast.

26. Cozy sweaters.

27. Watching reruns of Gilmore Girls.

28. Dancing in the kitchen and in the living room and just about everywhere else.

29. The kids that I teach. 

30. All of the new music and Broadway shows that have yet to come out.
31. Wildflowers by the side of the road.

32. Warm piles of laundry.

33. Sleeping in after a long week.

34. Random texts from people you love. 

35. Staring up at a sky filled with stars.

36. Your favorite person's birthday.

37. Waking up to fresh snow on the ground.

38. Filled-up journals.

39. Playing with kittens. 

40. The book not yet written.

41. The friends that have been in my life longer than they haven't been.

42. Twirling in full skirts.

43. Long walks.

44. Plants that spill over the pot. 

45. New cities that you haven't explored yet.

46. Watching everything come back into bloom after a long winter. 

47. The pen you love that writes just *right*.

48. Road trips.

49. Finding the perfect item you've been looking for at a thrift store.

50. The people on your "recent calls" list.

51. Cups of coffee.

52. Stumbling upon a lucky penny. 

53. All of the inside jokes that you're a part of.

54. Curling up on the couch to watch your favorite movie for the thousandth time.

55. The sound of your best friend's laugh.

56. Fresh fruit in the summertime.

57. Used bookstores.

58. The toddler that always waves when you pass.

59. Hugs.

60. Singing at the top of your lungs while driving down a road you know like the back of your hand.

61. Nicknames.

62. How green everything is after it rains.

63. The person you let in front of you in traffic that you kept from being late to work.

64. Remembering why you love something.

65. The inexplicable peace of a quiet rainy Saturday.

66. Facetimes with someone you haven't seen in a while.

67. Your favorite pair of shoes.

68. People who feel like home.

69. Picnics.

70. The video that always makes you laugh. 

71. Finding shapes in the clouds.

72. Long conversations.

73. The smell of bread baking.

74. Surprising someone on a rough day.

75. You. You are worth living for. And no matter what life is throwing your way these days, I pray that you never, ever forget that.

So now I want you to do something for me.

I want you to make a list.

I don't care if it's a word doc or a note on your phone of a scribbled column on the back of an old algebra handout. I want you to make a list. You can take things from my list, or you can make something completely different, it's up to you. But I don't want you going anywhere until you've written something down. Even if it's just one thing. Write it down. 

Every time that you wonder if there's anything left, I want you to look at that list. And on the good days, I want you to add to it. On the bad days, I just want you to remember that it exists. But keep adding to it. Fill up a whole notebook if it keeps you grounded. But keep adding.

Add the names of people that you love. Add things that you want to do, places that you want to go, goals you want to achieve.

Know that they're all there. You just have to keep getting up in the morning.

And to those who don't face the battle of deciding to stay, show up for the ones that do. Here's a secret - they're probably right in front of you and you don't even know it. That's why it's so vitally important to keep showing up. To keep checking in. To sit across the table over crappy cups of coffee and just be there. To see people, and to love them.

We're all going through this crazy world together, side by side. And like Jamie said - everything is better when it's shared, the good, the bad, and everything in-between.

Connection is what keeps us grounded. It keeps us present and it keeps us accountable. The world is a mess, but it's better when we aren't sorting through it alone. It's better when someone is beside us.

Every 40 seconds, someone dies by suicide. That is a statistic that I would give anything in the world to change. That is a statistic that I'm determined to see us help to change. And it starts with loving and fighting and staying.

If no one's told you today - hi. I love you. I see you. I see you in my social media feed and in my inbox. I hear your stories and I hear your hurt. And I love you. I love you so, so much. And the world is so much better for having you in it.

So please stay.

You are not alone. There are so many people who love you. So many people who want to help.

This life isn't perfect. It's so far from it. But just because it can be bad doesn't mean that it can't be good, too. Duality, remember? Just because things look hopeless doesn't mean that there's not hope right around the corner.

Over and over again this year, I've been reminded that there are going to be days when pain brings you to your knees in the corner of the living room floor. And some days you can't do anything but sit in it.

But then you hear your favorite song from when you were twelve on the radio, and you remember dancing in your best friend's room like an idiot. And the light of the sun going down dances on the floor in front of you, and you wrap your hands around a glass of water and let the chill run through you.

And maybe it's not the next day, and maybe it's not the next. But one morning, you're going to wake up and realize that you feel a little bit lighter than you did before.

Hope is never nonexistent. It morphs and changes and isn't always exactly what we expected. But it's always there.

You are loved by so many people. People you don't even know - people you've passed by and woven through and made better. By me, however many miles apart we may be. By the One who made the stars but said that you were the one that He loved.

Keep fighting. Keep hoping. Keep staying.

My inbox is always open. And hey - I'd love to see your list.