College, The Creative World, and Everything In Between

Friday, February 15, 2019


Some scrambled thoughts from late January on school, life, and everything in between, only now being posted because I'm apparently the queen of overthinking every word that I write. /////

Semester two of college has officially started up, and the plates are spinning once more. After coming back from almost a month void of the typical routine, I feel like I'm finally settling back in to the daily grind of classes and rehearsals, of working and prepping and planning and studying. 2018 came to a close, and we're diving into 2019, hoping for the best but preparing for whatever may come.

I've been kind of quiet on here for a while, for a variety of reasons. I would say that it's writer's block, but it's not that - I've journaled more regularly in the past two months than I have in recent memory. (I've only missed three or four days, and I am so freaking proud of that you don't even know.) I'd say creative block, but it's not really that, either. No, it's been more of a perfectionism block than anything, of hours spent overanalyzing everything that I type onto these drafts. It's one thing to write when it's just for yourself, it's another when you know that quite literally anyone could land on your words. I've never been one to filter much of what I put here on the blog; that's what I've loved about it. But that little nagging whisper of worry has been a lot stronger lately, and it's been winning the battle more often than not.

But here I am, typing again and ready to jump back into this space that I love so much.

Like I said, I'm in my second semester of college, something that I really haven't talked about on here yet. If I had a dollar for how many times I've been asked about college by quite literally everyone that I meet, I'd have enough to pay for four more years of school. Which, I get, college is a new thing, and people want to know how I'm doing. But in all honesty, it's a question that I never really know how to answer, which can add a bit of an anxiety jolt to my everyday interactions at times.

It's not that college has gone badly. I made it out of fall semester with A's in all of my classes, wrapping up my first semester with a neat little bow. But quite frankly, a little bit of weight lifted from my shoulders pulling out of school on December 5th. While it didn't go badly, fall semester was...rough. A combination of rough classes, an excess of busyness, a startling amount of alone time, and the overall change of saying goodbye to high school and hello to college made for a strange couple of months.

I'm only three weeks in to second semester, but it's definitely been easier already. Spring semester is famous for being insanely busy, but I'm doing better for sure. My classes this semester are a better fit for me, and I don't have the rough professors that I did last time around.  (A major lifesaver right there. I had one of the worst professors that I've ever had last semester, and it was a thoroughly miserable experience.) It's definitely had its ups and downs, but the Lord has been teaching me a thousand things through it all, and I finally feel things beginning to smooth out and settle. Transitions are weird, huh?

My saving grace since starting up college has definitely been theatre. Theatre has always been my safe place, and that's been so true these last few months. I don't know if I ever actually mentioned it here on the blog, but I'm actually working for my old theatre school. I've been given the opportunity to teach dance classes for elementary and middle school students, and to work as a choreographer for a musical this spring. Life in theatre is always crazy with constant rehearsals and chaos, but I would not trade it for the world. It's kept me sane, and I'm so grateful for it. Anyone who tries to say that art has no value in this world can fight me, because over and over again I have been able to say that theatre is the thing that makes my world feel right. I feel more like myself when I'm doing theatre than at any other point, and that's the reason that theatre will always be my home.

The creative world has slowed in some ways, and in others is roaring as strong as ever. Time has been hard to find, which always eases the brakes on a lot of the things that I'd like to pursue. But the ideas are flowing as much as ever, and I have some really exciting projects that I'm ready to jump on. I did in fact do NaNo this past November, and even if I didn't write a full 50K, I really like the story that I started, and I'm ready to finish up the first draft. I'm desperate to get back into the blogging world, and I have a myriad of other projects building up in my brain. I don't know if it's the new year or simply that I'm starving to create something, but I'm ready to hit the ground running as soon as I'm able to find a spare second. After a bit of a drought this fall, I'm finally starting to feel like myself again, and I'm excited start working.


Maybe it's the new year that has me pumped up, and all of the possibilities that come with it. But frankly, I've never been one for getting excited for the new year - I'm always the one wanting to hold on to the old. It was weird saying goodbye to 2018. I don't have any real, concrete plans for 2019, and 2018 was one for the books in every possible way, good, bad, and otherwise. It was a massively memorable year, and jumping from that into an abyss of unknown is a feeling that mildly paralyzed me for a short while. Perhaps all of the change being thrown at me has desensitized me from it all a bit, or maybe I'm just better at accepting that I can't control it all - or maybe I'm just in a really strange headspace while writing this. At this point, anything's possible. Whatever it is, I'm doing everything that I can to unclench my fists and breathe into this new year, leaning towards the optimism of new possibilities as opposed to my visceral hatred for change and all that comes with it.

I'm ready. I'm ready to be back to blogging. I'm ready to keep letting my words out into the internet, even if it yanks the breath from my lungs every time that I hit 'publish'. I'm ready to keep filling the pages of my journal, because as much as I love this blog, nothing will ever be able to replace the feeling of the page. I'm ready to make things, beautiful things and terrible things. I'm ready to take photographs and read books and finish writing books and write more books after that. I'm ready to jump back into writing poetry. I'm ready to fill scrapbooks to the brim with prints and memories and trinkets that I've picked up on the way. I'm ready to keep scribbling in the margins of my Bible, learning as much as I can every time that I open it. I'm ready to start projects and finish projects and just to keep working on things, because few things excite me more. I'm ready to write letters again, because I haven't done that in far too long, and I miss it more than anything.

So here's to what's to come, whatever it may be.

-----

How's life going, friends? Fill me in. I miss you. ♥

13 comments:

  1. Oh, it was so nice to hear about your life of late. Life for me has been busy too and the start of 2019 was rough but February has been really calming though still fairly busy. Work keeps my life hectic + coupled with writing as much as possible, I'm so ready for some down time.
    But life is good...really good. It's good to be alive. <3

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    1. I hope that you have gotten some downtime!! But I am glad that you're doing so well. <3

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  2. I'm so glad you're feeling better and more like yourself! It's always great to have a place you know you can go for relief, no matter what else is happening in your life. Theatre is one of my very favorite activities, too, and I want to stay involved in college as well.

    I can't wait to see what you'll be coming up with this year <3

    Eleanor | On the Other Side of Reality

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    Replies
    1. It really, really is. You definitely should stay involved with theatre in college! It's so worth it. Thank you so much for reading, Eleanor!

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  3. When you said "perfectionism block" I never related so hard in my life.

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  4. I'm relatively new to your blog, but I really like it this far, especially this post. I've been having a bit of drought myself lately, but I'm ready to push through it and start creating again. And as all we artists, writers, performers know, creating is living, and this post makes me want to live again.
    Thank you for such a sweet post <3

    --Abilene

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    1. Your words mean so, so much to me, Abilene, more than I can say. Thank you so much. <3

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  5. As you jump back into blogging, don't feel bad about the time you didn't spend writing. You're taking care of yourself, and short or infrequent posts are completely acceptable. <3

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    1. Thank you so much for that encouragement, Madeline. <3

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  6. girl you got this.

    cheering from the sidelines.
    k.

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